Life Part 2 and Shit

So Jocelyn told me I should start a blog, and now I am revisiting this one. I remember having Xanga and writing for my friends and acquaintances, but since I've been journaling as well these days, I usually end up being half-committed to both. It's interesting how I react to the two when I re-read them. With journaling, I'm not as hard on myself or my writing, and more empathetic to the emotions and attitudes I had in the past. With blogging, I become a super critical voyeur, most likely because I can see myself purposely censoring myself or saying something I don't mean or exaggerating--essentially not being honest, although I don't consciously mean to be like that.

Anyway, I am writing here again to chronicle life in grad school and in a new state, across the country and without any support system. Almost nothing is familiar, and I must make friends again from scratch. I've always wondered what it would be like to start over, perhaps in a new country, where nobody knows me, sort of like ending up in a witness-protection program. I imagine myself being someone completely different, just because I felt like it. For some reason, I see me dying my hair a radical color, cutting it pixie-styled like Winona. I would have no inhibitions, as in I wouldn't stifle anything, no reservations, no prejudices. Who would I be? Would I finally be truly happy, with no regrets? Still, I know my personality. While I can be shy, I am also reserved, as in I like and choose to be alone and quiet and listen to other people talk. My happy days are never interminable. I have cycles that seem to be more a part of my nature than my circumstances.

But while I have somewhat come to accept this part of myself, there are negative which I would like to exorcise. Laziness, fear, insecurity, apathy and indifference...I guess faults that all humans have, but mine are to a degree with which I'm not happy. I don't want to look back on my life and regret things. I think a common thread on this blog has been me not liking the fact that I don't take advantage of certain things, that I don't live life to the fullest, or to my fullest. I feel like I'm in the passenger seat most of the time, with my emotions and circumstances dictating where I go. I want to always remember that life is short, that there are no guaranteed second chances. I forget that I need to cultivate such an attitude and way of life, and that no one and nothing else can do that for me.

I could probably write forever on this subject, but I would rather chronicle the actions I take to get to this point of self-actualization. Sometimes true change requires a revolution of some kind, but it must also be incremental. I'm going through both processes right now, and they are both difficult. Hopefully I can incorporate the latter into my day-to-day, while appreciating the former rather than despairing over its difficulties.