I've never had to experience a death in the family or in my circle of friends. I've been lucky, so far, in that respect.
So it is strange waiting for Nigel to die at any moment. Yes, he is a cat and...this seems kind of frivolous, but the whole family treats him like another person. We coddle him constantly. The rapid growth and spread of the tumor caught us by surprise and now we're preparing for something that I thought wouldn't come for another 10 years.
So far I've had little trouble in compartmentalizing my surprise and sadness. I hate crying because it hurts to think about the fact that his time is approaching. I am trying to focus on him now and not as he won't be in the future.
Sometimes I wonder what I am getting upset about. I am definitely upset that he will soon be gone from my life. I am sad that he may be suffering. But I am also sad that life is going so fast that when I look back on my existence so far, it happened in the blink of an eye. There were times where I would sit with my cat and think, "He won't live forever. I should enjoy his company." And now that time is approaching rapidly and it is so strange. I guess I can also see my own ephemeral life and how things are constantly changing and that it is absolutely futile to expect things to last forever.
I am trying to take a Buddhist outlook on all of this, trying to detach myself so that it doesn't hurt as much. I am slicing off parts of my brain, myself, so that I can accept life and its lack of permanence.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Argument
"No tree has branches so foolish as to fight among themselves."--Ojibway saying.
I was thinking about how people argue. What are we really arguing about? I feel like most of the time, we are arguing about the same thing, maybe from an egotistical bias that acts as an obstacle to finding a real solution.
I was thinking about how people argue. What are we really arguing about? I feel like most of the time, we are arguing about the same thing, maybe from an egotistical bias that acts as an obstacle to finding a real solution.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Birthing a baby
There is a Greek myth that explains Athena's origins as the "brainchild" of Zeus. I've been thinking about this myth lately because I see it as a metaphor for the creative process.
I want to write a story, yet I have no real plot. I have particles of situations floating around my head, an ambiguous message that I want to get across. I've been thinking about these particles and plots for a couple of months now--slowly but surely, I can see something gathering.
So, for these last couple of months I have been carrying around an idea in my brain, watching it form and shaping it at the same time. I'm gathering things from the environment to feed it, trying to stay confident about what I want but allowing this idea to evolve at the same time. Slowly but surely, I've been typing things out.
The birthing part. This is when everything takes shape as I write down the thing. I know it will take months and many revisions and I want to do it before I get into med school (ififififif). But once it is done I can look at it in its entirety and be proud, even if it does end up taking its own direction.
Hopefully it won't be aborted.
I want to write a story, yet I have no real plot. I have particles of situations floating around my head, an ambiguous message that I want to get across. I've been thinking about these particles and plots for a couple of months now--slowly but surely, I can see something gathering.
So, for these last couple of months I have been carrying around an idea in my brain, watching it form and shaping it at the same time. I'm gathering things from the environment to feed it, trying to stay confident about what I want but allowing this idea to evolve at the same time. Slowly but surely, I've been typing things out.
The birthing part. This is when everything takes shape as I write down the thing. I know it will take months and many revisions and I want to do it before I get into med school (ififififif). But once it is done I can look at it in its entirety and be proud, even if it does end up taking its own direction.
Hopefully it won't be aborted.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Strange Tennis
So, Sars told me to update and I will, because tonight I played tennis and it felt strange, surreal.
Tonight I could feel a sticky humidity that coated my skin, so the air felt warm and intimate and I couldn't get away from it.
Have you ever felt moments where you felt strange? Or you were caught in this weird time warp or alternate reality? Or is that just me? Anyway.
So I was playing tennis with by brother and dad and all the courts were deserted, so it was just us. Randomly, we would hear people talking without seeing them. While we played, there was also a robot voice that kept repeating something, like "fire, fire" or "water, water." Intermittently it would beep a couple times. This was both funny and creepy, cheesy haunted house style.
Because the air was humid and thick, things didn't feel real. Like my head was in a druggy cloud. I guess it's that feeling one gets when they smoke a really nice spliff.
So, I just decided I like nights like this. Weird nights. Like in high school when my friends and I used to play in an empty playground and every creak/crack/scuff was a potential stranger or alien. It adds some magic and mystery to life, when things can't be explained, such as disembodied robot voices.
Tonight I could feel a sticky humidity that coated my skin, so the air felt warm and intimate and I couldn't get away from it.
Have you ever felt moments where you felt strange? Or you were caught in this weird time warp or alternate reality? Or is that just me? Anyway.
So I was playing tennis with by brother and dad and all the courts were deserted, so it was just us. Randomly, we would hear people talking without seeing them. While we played, there was also a robot voice that kept repeating something, like "fire, fire" or "water, water." Intermittently it would beep a couple times. This was both funny and creepy, cheesy haunted house style.
Because the air was humid and thick, things didn't feel real. Like my head was in a druggy cloud. I guess it's that feeling one gets when they smoke a really nice spliff.
So, I just decided I like nights like this. Weird nights. Like in high school when my friends and I used to play in an empty playground and every creak/crack/scuff was a potential stranger or alien. It adds some magic and mystery to life, when things can't be explained, such as disembodied robot voices.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Creativity and Meaning
I've been having this creativity block, be it for drawing, painting or writing. I feel like I'm missing things.
Going in the same vein as the Anais Nin quotes from before, I found some more about writing, life and meaning. I'm using this time off to learn more about life, and I think this will ultimately help me in my artistic pursuits (even though I have to actively pursue this!). I love these quotes because they seem so true. Sometimes I feel like I lack emotion, or that the emotion I do have is contrived, like from a book or movie or painting. The sadness or happiness is not my own but the one given to me by a work of art. Or when I do feel, for real, it unnerves or disturbs me so greatly that I become depressed, in a way.
More Nin Quotes:
My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living.
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.
Going in the same vein as the Anais Nin quotes from before, I found some more about writing, life and meaning. I'm using this time off to learn more about life, and I think this will ultimately help me in my artistic pursuits (even though I have to actively pursue this!). I love these quotes because they seem so true. Sometimes I feel like I lack emotion, or that the emotion I do have is contrived, like from a book or movie or painting. The sadness or happiness is not my own but the one given to me by a work of art. Or when I do feel, for real, it unnerves or disturbs me so greatly that I become depressed, in a way.
More Nin Quotes:
My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living.
The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Anaïs Nin
Her name popped up in my head a couple minutes ago, I think just because it's a cool name. So I looked her up and was instantly fascinated by her life.
Some quotes (from Wikipedia, of course):
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
--Completely agree. I'm trying to work on that courage part.
"...for no one has ever loved an adventurous woman as they have loved adventurous men."
--Sad but true? Sad.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
--Love this quote because I feel as though I've only recently realized this. My circle of friends, close, true friends, however small, are different. I act different, feel different around them. I appreciate that because in a way, it's reflecting a bit of me and pulling out something new, too, as Nin says. Another thing: I want to meet different people.
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
--I can relate to this in a way because I see myself as a dreamer. I fantasize and poeticize life--not all the time, but most of the time. I have to keep this in check, though. Being a romantic is not good when you're also a realist. Still, this idea is a bit extreme for me. I like being comfortable, maybe too much. (Again, something I'm trying to sort out).
"Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terror, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them."
--I've always thought about what it would be like to be a great artist. I see artists as: insanely creative, sensitive, emotional, attached to life and riding everything down to a point. I think if I had pursued my love of drawing further at a younger age, I could have turned it into something more than a hobby. But I don't know if I have the right personality to handle "excess" in whatever form. I'm a moderate person. I'm still utterly attracted to the idea of a "great artist."
"Dreams are necessary to life."
--Yes. They can show you potential, a blueprint for something better. I think dreams and art are the same because they can both show you truth and the ideal. It's up to the individual to figure out what that is.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
--Agree with this, too. We see ourselves reflected in others and in the world. There is something psychological and fundamentally human in this idea. There is no objectivity, only subjective truth. We can choose how to see the world and choose how to see ourselves. To expound on this idea: we may not be able to control what life gives us, but we can control how we ultimately see what is given (glass half-full/empty). If I were to apply this quote to people I know, I could probably ascertain what sort of person they are. But then I guess I would really be seeing myself in how I choose to see other people, which reminds me of the concept of the Ouroboros. Or that episode of Catdog where one end travels through the other ends and finds...something. I don't remember.
"People living deeply have no fear of death."
--And they are lucky.
I think I will add her to the list of authors I want to get into. I want to get into proto-feminist women, because that whole idea is way cool.
Some quotes (from Wikipedia, of course):
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
--Completely agree. I'm trying to work on that courage part.
"...for no one has ever loved an adventurous woman as they have loved adventurous men."
--Sad but true? Sad.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
--Love this quote because I feel as though I've only recently realized this. My circle of friends, close, true friends, however small, are different. I act different, feel different around them. I appreciate that because in a way, it's reflecting a bit of me and pulling out something new, too, as Nin says. Another thing: I want to meet different people.
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
--I can relate to this in a way because I see myself as a dreamer. I fantasize and poeticize life--not all the time, but most of the time. I have to keep this in check, though. Being a romantic is not good when you're also a realist. Still, this idea is a bit extreme for me. I like being comfortable, maybe too much. (Again, something I'm trying to sort out).
"Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terror, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them."
--I've always thought about what it would be like to be a great artist. I see artists as: insanely creative, sensitive, emotional, attached to life and riding everything down to a point. I think if I had pursued my love of drawing further at a younger age, I could have turned it into something more than a hobby. But I don't know if I have the right personality to handle "excess" in whatever form. I'm a moderate person. I'm still utterly attracted to the idea of a "great artist."
"Dreams are necessary to life."
--Yes. They can show you potential, a blueprint for something better. I think dreams and art are the same because they can both show you truth and the ideal. It's up to the individual to figure out what that is.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
--Agree with this, too. We see ourselves reflected in others and in the world. There is something psychological and fundamentally human in this idea. There is no objectivity, only subjective truth. We can choose how to see the world and choose how to see ourselves. To expound on this idea: we may not be able to control what life gives us, but we can control how we ultimately see what is given (glass half-full/empty). If I were to apply this quote to people I know, I could probably ascertain what sort of person they are. But then I guess I would really be seeing myself in how I choose to see other people, which reminds me of the concept of the Ouroboros. Or that episode of Catdog where one end travels through the other ends and finds...something. I don't remember.
"People living deeply have no fear of death."
--And they are lucky.
I think I will add her to the list of authors I want to get into. I want to get into proto-feminist women, because that whole idea is way cool.
So my parents found alcohol and a hookah thing in the trunk of the car my brother uses. What is weird to me about my brother is how he argues with my parents when he is so clearly in the wrong. Just confess, stop saying "I don't know whose it is" and "It's not mine", and stop arguing like it's their fault. Also, it was pretty stupid of him to leave open bottles around in a car we all use. He has already gotten in trouble for driving too many people and have a fake ID. What a doofus, I swear.
Sometimes I think he's a good kid, but then he does stuff like this. I mean, I get that he drinks and stuff. A lot of people his age do. I just get so incensed when he argues just to save face. He can be so cocky and prideful, thinking he's cool as hell. I just hate that. He acts like he's entitled. I don't even want to start on what happened on the Paris trip.
Anyway.
Sometimes I think he's a good kid, but then he does stuff like this. I mean, I get that he drinks and stuff. A lot of people his age do. I just get so incensed when he argues just to save face. He can be so cocky and prideful, thinking he's cool as hell. I just hate that. He acts like he's entitled. I don't even want to start on what happened on the Paris trip.
Anyway.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Books to Read/Finish
Finished:
Veronika Decides to Die
To Finish:
Jews, God and History
The Gargoyle
To Start:
Lolita
Catcher in the Rye
Some Faulkner
Some Robert A. Heinlein
Anaïs Nin
First I need to stop being LAZY.
Veronika Decides to Die
To Finish:
Jews, God and History
The Gargoyle
To Start:
Lolita
Catcher in the Rye
Some Faulkner
Some Robert A. Heinlein
Anaïs Nin
First I need to stop being LAZY.
Why? Wot?
So I decided to create this blog to lay down the multiple thoughts that run through my head. Maybe I'm being a little narcissistic and self-serving, maybe a bit self-congratulating...or maybe I'm just trying to organize my brain patterns onto a virtual screen. Whatever. It'll be nice to look upon this blog and see who I was and what I went through.
I guess, then, another motive for this is looking at the "process" of living, growing up. During this gap year I want to change and grow and a person, to learn about both the world and myself (maybe those are reciprocal events?), so I want to chronicle these steps. I want to look back, Harry Potter Style, at the person I was, like a time travel mirror. I want to see if I can change from a person who simply thinks about life to someone who lives it and is changed by it. I feel stagnant right now, with only my thoughts affecting me. I want to change, in whatever way. Let's see how that goes.
I guess, then, another motive for this is looking at the "process" of living, growing up. During this gap year I want to change and grow and a person, to learn about both the world and myself (maybe those are reciprocal events?), so I want to chronicle these steps. I want to look back, Harry Potter Style, at the person I was, like a time travel mirror. I want to see if I can change from a person who simply thinks about life to someone who lives it and is changed by it. I feel stagnant right now, with only my thoughts affecting me. I want to change, in whatever way. Let's see how that goes.
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